Added: Dalaina Pendley - Date: 03.10.2021 03:02 - Views: 26095 - Clicks: 7430
It is important to remember that when you attract or are attracted to people who are emotionally and possibly spiritually or physically unavailable, that if you stick around in spite of this, you need to address your own unavailability.
We all experience times in our lives where we can be a bit emotionally unavailable, for instance when we experience a death or feel emotionally exhausted because of intense stress or an illness, or when we are fresh out of a relationship. What it equates to is that persons inability to go the distance. They recognise that you need to nurture a relationship and let it steadily grow, whereas relationships with emotionally unavailable people tend to come in fits and starts, come to a standstill or regress.
Emotionally available people are consistently emotionally available. Emotionally unavailable people are often running from feeling. When you align yourself with emotionally unavailable people, you are limiting yourself by being with someone that has a limited capacity to emotionally engage, has a limited offering, and whose initial emotional persona is limited.
Of course, in carrying a belief that people will leave, they tend to align themselves with people who will leave and who are emotionally disconnected, or end up doing their utmost best to sabotage things so that they do realise the fear of abandonment and the self-fulfillinf prophecy is proved. Emotionally unavailable people either want to completely delude themselves or feed themselves honesty a chunk at a time.
There was a lot of me that used to be closed off but it meant that aside from keeping me distant in my interactions, I was actually shut off from parts of myself. The present day me has opened up. How willing are you to be consistently emotionally available? I have spoken about the importance of consistency many times on this blog and how the inconsistency that is present in emotionally unavailable relationships is a red flag in itself.
What I find is that often we are all too quick to focus on the willingness of the other party to be consistently emotionally available. But what about YOU? How willing are you to get out of your uncomfortable comfort zone and get uncomfortable in the unknown that will actually be a far healthier comfortable in the medium and long-term? How willing are you to have an honest conversation with yourself and address any limitations that you are imposing upon yourself?
How willing are you to be open? As in, how willing are you to Seeking mature emotionally available man up and not have aspects of yourself closed off? How willing are you to walk the walk? It means taking real risks, not calculated, self-fulfilling prophecy risks with limited people that reflect your beliefs.
The next person I dated after that was the boyf.
What was the difference? During and after being with the guys before the boyf, I was painfully honest with myself in a way that I had never been before. I got out quickly and I put myself out there to try again. You cannot be emotionally available and experience true intimacy if you are not willing to feel and experience the vulnerability that it brings.
Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Considering how many of you have been over patient and too compassionate with others, it is about time you directed some of that to yourself. If you feel like time is running out, I suggest you start doing whatever it takes, the necessary to be emotionally available and get uncomfortable fast. There is no short cut.
All those times when you banked on someone else making you feel everything and making you want to stop being afraid of being vulnerable? Yeah…you remember where that got you. Emotional availability is KEY to any successful romantic relationship. It is the only way to ensure that people feel safe and secure in allowing themselves to be vulnerable and to be able to experience true intimacy. Before I met my husband, I was the same way because like you Natalie, I went through many bad relationships. It was a very slow process for me that essentially took years.
What a wake up call! If I really was, why was I wasting my time with clowns and losers and guys that would not, could not give me what I professed I wanted.
I sat on the couch in a state of hibernation, just waiting for the next one to come and give me a life. The first guy that showed interest, I latched on and hung on for dear life. I never stopped to question whether I liked, respected or trusted them. It was enough that they wanted me, or at least sort of did in the beginning. I have had enough of my state of suspended animation. I have realized the extent to which I had even shut off my feelings. For the past week I have been crying a great deal, feeling all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons.
The last AC, who I see at work sometimes, now just looks like the loser jerk he is. I am thrilled to say he no longer holds any interest for me. So, progress is happening and I am thrilled. I feel calmer, more peaceful. More like me. I am starting to discover what I like to do, instead of waiting for him to decide what we will do. Getting out of the comfort zone is the hardest part, but is so necessary.
No wonder I burned up so much mental energy trying to figure them out — it was the only exciting thing in my life. I think emotional availability also means empathy. Genuinely caring about others and connecting with good people,not just wasting time and energy on assclowns. When I am not losing sleep or my mind over some guy, I quickly noticed that the world is filled with interesting people. Consistency is the key. Your posts are getting better and better Natalie.
One of the biggest revelations I have had Seeking mature emotionally available man this site is that I am emotionally unavailable or was…and getting better. If I was attracting them, and keeping time or trying toI was one too. Like attracts like. Water seeks its own level. I agree about the genuine empathy part. Most people have developed a sense of empathy if childish empathy before they are five years old!
When his mother was locked up in that cage!!. Natalie, Thanks for the insightful article. I having been doing alot of work on myself and realize that I myself was emotionally unavailable and not ready to commit. I was hiding my issues behind thier more obvious ones. In those relationships, I was running from them. With my last boyfriend, it was the other way around, I wanted to commit and stabilize and emotionally unstable man, and he was the one who was running from commitment.
I realize now that in both cases I was choosing partners that guaranteed I would not be engaged in a healthy committed relationship, soemone would always be running away. I was so unaware all of this! Alhough I am not dating, I do get approached when I go out with my friends. Met a guy while he was backpacking and ended up where I live.
Then he quit his travels to come and be with me for a fortnight, at the end of which he told me he wanted to quite his travels completely and be with me until he had to go back home, ie 3 months with me in my city. We moved in to a lovely little apartment together. But things were not idyllic. I had lo of family issues, and we fought. Not enough, according to me, to end the relationship, but he stopped putting energy into it. When the time came Seeking mature emotionally available man him to leave, I asked him if he was going to follow through with all the promises he had made in the beginning, of lasting out the 8 months apart and moving to the same place.
A month of total and complete NC, and I was trying to move on, when he popped back into my life. This was about 5 days ago. The next night I was really depressed, cried on the phone for him for 2 hours. Yeah, not smart. Why would he ignore me consistently for 4 days if he was so eager about coming back? I need to be given a good hard Seeking mature emotionally available man and may be some of it will start making sense. I know the feel of confusion. This is so true when it comes to males such as these. They bullshit you, use your emtions, your need against you.
And we allow it. Restarting contact is often more about ego and getting back into good graces and sadly, less about you. This is your life, control it and make it about YOU. That was my problem succinctlyput. That is one of the major reasons I trundled along so long with my what Iwill now refer to as my EX for the sake of clarity — I have an extraordinary capacity for tolerating less than I deserve or need — I have been at the back of every queue! Neither, though, was I blind to the truth I may not have had the language for it but I saw it ; I simply deferred on the pain… and deferred… and deferred… Procrastination is my middle name.
I love love! Its the best feeling ever and I can get anytime I want — from ME! Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there is sooooo worth it. So many eyes full of hope — writing notes — just like I did the first time I went through that workshop. But this time I was the speaker. So the student becomes the teacher and the teacher learns even more from her students. Very validating — went beautifully — so many people thanking me for sharing my experience — no notes — straight from the heart and I meant every word.
Whatever it is you are afraid of DO IT. I now have a bucket list of fears to tackle and I am armed! I am in awe of your wisdom. Wow at the timing of this article…. Please go away! So much great advise Natalie! For me personally, I was emotionally available-to a fault. Since I had never experienced this type of relationship before, I had no idea what was going on with him. I was listening to his words, since I am upfront and honest I assumed he was as well, especially when he told he was being open with me. This may sound stupid, I had no idea what was going on.
Now I know! It was confusing and hurtful to say the least. Yes, it has taken me a while to bounce back from the shock of this relationship, the hurt, the pain, but it did not take away my ability to be emotionally available. I have accepted where I allowed a lot of bad conduct and boundary line crossing—I should have walked away a long time ago.
My fault for staying! My responsibility for excepting words vs actions. I assume my faults and recognize them for what they were. I believe each experience in life will make us stronger and better, if we let it. Some lessons are painful, if we learn something and can better ourselves, then maybe the pain one day will make the journey worth while. Thank you for all the excellent posts. This one imparticular I had just spoken to my therapist about yesterday.
I also realized that this is why I also clung to talking about the ex EUM… its like loving the devil you know and not really having to walk the walk, really let go, and be emotionally available myself. Thanks for one day later writing it out so succintly Natalie. I am so truly thankful for this site forcing me to look in the mirror everyday and be better!!
A great blog! Prior to my single-mum-ness I had a perfectly good and healthy relationship for six years and we did remain friends for many years afterwards with no problem.Seeking mature emotionally available man
email: [email protected] - phone:(890) 836-1215 x 4393
Do you want to be with an emotionally available person? Be emotionally available YOURSELF